i'm at tyendinega (ah...mohawk) airport on the reserve. my little home base.

i just wrote the mock written flight exam (i realize it's hard to write any kind of exam that wouldn't be a written one, but i'm just looking out for my loyal readers. aka mom)

you require a 60% to pass ... holy crap, someone's taking off! it's such bad weather!!

wait...it's a lawnmower. i digress..

..but i got a 59%. there's 100 questions, so i missed it by 1 question. no, i'm lying. you need a letter of recommendation from mohawk to write the actual exam, and they won't give you one unless you get at least 75%.

i wanted to get a healthy lunch but instead was handed a cheese/egg/bacon sandwhich, or as i like to call it, heart attack in a bun.

i just took a look at my timetable for mac...and oh my...

first term is slightly unbalanced, to say the least. on mondays i have 6 classes, and on fridays i have..one. i noticed the weekly physics labs are about 3 hours long.

i started cleaning out my closet

i should just drop off my "salvation army" bag with julia and save myself the hassle.

just kidding.
(not really)

i found my old darkwing duck pyjamas.

the shirt still fits.

andrew has been cleaning out his room too.
he found all his old swimming clothes. not the kind you swim in, but the kind you buy as souvenirs from major meets.
he's really proud that they still fit. but they're so damn ugly. for some reason, we thought that the more iron on decals you can stick on them, the better. it even says "no fear" in fearsome letters down the arm.

how classy.

i wish the world would stop for a week, and i could just lie down and sleep, but not miss anything.

i was pretty close to actually meeting up with melissa last week. it's quite impressive, really.

i purposely bought a wooden keychain to mail off to tonya, thereby forcing myself to keep in contact.

i biked to a gas station and pumped up my tires for free.

i bought a photo album.

i began packing.

backwards.

by packing my bed and toiletries first.

i'm told my room smells like urine.

i tell them i have a problem.

i've been feeling really unhappy

i'm not sure why

although, i have plenty reasons for why that feeling is hanging around

well, maybe just one.

yesterday should have been a happy event

life sucks.

don't say "compared to what"

no one likes snarky people.

especially snarky comforting people.

i'm ungrateful for a lot of things

probably partly because i feel like others have been ungrateful for me

everyone is a victim, how annoying is that.

generally, i believe everyone feels like they are never really fully understood or appreciated.

i don't really feel like others are ungrateful. i'm not too sure where that came from.

i think i'm making up excuses.

someone told me once that i give ggod advice when i'm sad
"you're philisophical when you're unhappy!"
yippiee

this post wouldn't support that opinion though..

har har..

i also think i play the piano best when i'm sad.

sad songs, at least.

i only have one sad song from my exam repetoire

so i'm forced to learn new ones.

i was going to say: les misérables has a lot of sad songs

but then i realized how stupid that could sound.

just like this book i found.
"the wicked wit of oscar wilde"

i'm sure he was witty. and his books are probably good. or at least bad enough to argue with someone else about it.

but the quotes are just plain...

an exaggerated example:
the difference between women and men is that women are women and men are men.

hmm..

i guess that is kind of witty.

hoooraaaaww....

i'm off to sleep and feel sorry for myself.

once i find out why, you'll be the first to know.

i keep having dreams where everyone pauses, then compliments josie on her hair.

she says: oh! thanks
while touching it, then the dream goes on.

i'm in halifax, and bored.

my fingers smell like fish.

my bra is digging into my skin.

i'm trying to stuff some of my shirt into my bra so it doesn't pinch me.

it doesn't help at all.

i do look pretty damn sexy, however.

not much else to say.

i've been extremely unhappy and irritated since...

and it was for the city slickers

i really doubt it since this already happened in california a while ago, and everyone is content now that they have power; people who are content don't change nor complain.
i bet everyone will forget about the blackout sooner or... sooner once we find yet another thing to fear and fixate on.

it's not as if they are waiting for more ecologically-friendly power sources to be created; they are already there and are ready for commercialization, and if not, they only need slight investment to make them so. some people say it's too expensive to implement some of the alternatives, but with more focus on them, more companies would be created, and the competition would quickly lower the production costs as well as help advance the technologies. some of the reasons for not implementing alternative power sources are so rediculous. for example: how it is said that no one wants wind power because it takes up too much space and causes "sight pollution". yet all the land is being eaten up for rows and rows of suburbs. if we're going to do crowd ourselves, why don't we at least take advantage and shove a windmill on the roof. no one wants to see a windmill, but they don't mind sweltering heat, breathing nasty stale exhaust particles, black lungs, the smog...

being able to see the stars shouldn't be seen as something that we can only hope to do, it should be so damn normal that we take it for granted and don't bother looking at them anyway!

the question of whether there was anything our provincial government could have done anything to prevent this (or...not done something, and thereby prevent it) comes up, and the general opinion is that no, no, no, it was the generator's fault, this couldn't have been prevented. and everyone stays happy with that answer!

it seems like the overall reaction from the public from the blackout(s) is: "oh, well that was an exciting little interlude. candles and stars are fun. what's on tv?"

no one wants to trace back and find out what mistakes were made with the trading of power, because they don't want to "point fingers". just blame a machine, and it's fine, but it's never so simple. everyone keeps telling me that they don't care what we did to cause it, or what we didn't do, or what questions we didn't ask, they just want their power back, and that's such an irresponsible and thickheaded opinion, it makes me write crazy run-on sentences.

i'm sure that eventually there will be some kind of implementation of more environmentally aware power sources, but if it ever happens in our lifetimes, it will be too insignificant for the sorry state that we've put the world in. everyone's always trusting someone else to look after it, and it's so frustrating to see people around me being so indifferent!!!

you know i'd love to hear what you want to say..

i'm really mad because i'm too tired to make a better statement than that, but it will do.
hopefully someone on the board challenges something i say, so i get the chance to shove it dow --- discuss it with them.

damn MFC project really got to me.

as does the fact that the progressives somehow keep coming back into power.
last i heard, less than 40% of the populace exercises the right to vote.

looking at that mfc project page (which i just saw for the first time) makes me extremely angry.
i'm the only group member in that picture for a very very good reason.
i remember standing there...posing with that guy...and no one was there to take a picture of me. i knew it, but he said (quote) "now hold on there, this is your only chance" to what? stand here with some guy who doesn't give a shit about my project, the work, the potential? or stand there and not get my picture taken? stand in silence as i consider pretending to recognize someone in the crowd? stand and resist the urge to scream "i worked on this fucking project all by myself, i'm good enough to still share the credit, we had to find out own fucking mentor in fucking alberta who ignored our emails, contacted labspace on our own, fell behind from countless bus/train trips to toronto, grew bacteria in our fridge, and the best you can do is give me 6th fucking place?!" (but of course, i'm a gracious and grateful kind of gal). it really stuck to me how they defined biotech in such a way as to keep my project out.

tonight is the night of Discovering Stephanie's Unresolved Issues.

bitches.

on a lighter note: josie, check the windshield of your car for a nice surprise.

andrew and i went to busy bee to get some junk food.

we were sitting in the parking lot first, trying to convince each other to be the one to go get them. i said, "maybe gemma's working, you should go, eh, eh, eh?" his skeleton then mysteriously melted away from within his body, and he made an exasperated sigh. all his replies from then on were extremely monotone (extremely monotone? that's funny.)

"fine, i'll go", he says
"so now that i say maybe gemma's working, you're going?? ahhee hee to that."
"fine, YOU go!"
"mmmmmAAAAAHHHH!!."
"fine, i'll go, but i'm turning the car off!"
"hm." i start to unbuckle my seat belt
"fine, let's both go", he says
"i thought i was going."
"fine, go"
"wait, let's go together"
"fine.."

he has inhuman levels of patience.

then we went in and said hi to emma's papa who was working. whenever any of my brothers or i go to busy bee, and emma's dad is working, one of two (or maybe both) things happen.
1) he asks about school. this includes asking how emma is doing at school. this only happens if i'm there, obviously.
2) if it's only me, he'll ask how "your brother is doing" "which one?" "the piano one", if any of my brothers are there, he'll ask if they are the "piano one".

this time, only #2 happened. andrew said he wasn't. emma's dad asked why he's never seen andrew before. andrew said, oh you probably have, and then both andrew and emma's dad mentioned that they he went to st.paul's. i'm not sure why both of them did, and i slipped into a mini coma during that part of the conversation, but i'm sure it worked out. then emma's dad called andrew handsome, and we ran away.

i was amused to hear the media and therefore the people call the blackout "Blackout 2003".
probably because my blackout story is pretty boring.

i was in tim hortons. we stayed there anyways. they wanted to kick us out, or else accept some tips. since they were closed, they locked the doors with us inside. we asked a lady which door we use to get out, and she spent five minutes telling us what she heard the blackout was caused by. it was incredible. we stared at her and marvelled at how she was able to transform a simple question into an opportunity to try to show off how knowledgable she was on the subject of rumours and imaginary terrorist attacks. well, it wasn't so much as she transformed our words into something else, but more like she ignored what we had just asked and started talking about a totally different subject. there couldn't have been a more unrelated topic, except perhaps the courtship rituals of homosexual earthworms.

we were finally pointed to a door.

i was dropped off at home, and tried to put the garbage and recycling bins in the garage. the keypad wouldn't work, so i left them. i went in the house. i noticed the power was off. i went to sleep on the couch. the phone rang. i was shocked. it was mark. i said "there's a power out in the house." he said, "there's a power out in new york, some more states, and ontario" i felt like an ass. he asked if we were okay and said it was "havoc" in toronto. he then explained why the phone was still working.

i didn't want to open the fridge, so i was forced to eat cookies to survive. the horror of a power out.

later, my mom and i drove to bvegas to test drive some new cars. then we went home, lit some candles. i taught my self how to play one-note cumbaya on the guitar machine. then i played piano by candle light and thought of how romantic the whole scene must look, and then thought about how old composers did the same thing. then my ego inflated for some reason. i probably thought i was really cultured to be playing by the candlelight. it hurt my eyes, though. i started to feel dizzy too. so i went to bed by 9:30pm.

i woke up, and the power was on. i went to sleep again.

there is a movie, called Equilibrium. the protagonist is a clone of keanu reeves in the matrix (that's not the premise of the movie). anyways, mark said it had such bad reviews that they didn't open it in canada. we rented it, and it's not that bad. but i liked how they added "swoosh" sounds when the protagonist moved his arms.

i feel really gross. i better go give my teeth a brushin'.

my aunt gave me a 60's cd (it's early 60s, so none of the hippies stuff), as well as what she sees as an extremely special and high quality hairbrush. to me, it looks like any other brush, but it reminded me of how i never brush my hair, so brush it i did. i have no problems with it, so i guess it's first class.

blah blah blah

i'm gone, kiddies.

"mama, you know arnold swartzen--"
"hye, the one for govenor, right?"

"you know gary coleman?"
"WHO?"

i just said goodbye to vic over the phone. i'm suddenly touched with deep sadness.

oh woe is me

on another note, mcmaster sent me a package of problems i am supposed to know in time for school.
it turns out i cannot factor worth beans
really.
i tried to get some, and they said no, my factoring wasn't good enough.

it's strange how many people are surprised that i've been actually flying during my flying lessons.

i'm probably going to be gone before emma comes back from korea.

that's sad.

i can already see myself losing contact with everyone

that's sad too

i feel like no matter how hard i try, it's going to happen.

...

i know that because it's happened every time i part ways with someone. without fail.

that's the saddest part.

why won't you reply, dammit?!

holy shit..my piano exam is next week.

my last one ever.

for a second, i felt sad that i didn't go to my prom.

then i thought about it some more, and decided that i'm not sad i didn't go, i'm sad that i couldn't care enough to go.

anti-climatic is the best way to sum up my high school experience.

hehhe

i'm remembering more

one:
when i first started a blog
i had some geeky internet question that needed answering
i emailed laurie
she replied in my guestbook
i felt starstruck
i was intimidated by laurie because i would read her blog back when we didn't know each other
"i love your words. they are beautiful."

two:
same with julia
i would visit her old site too often to be considered healthy
they were my celebrities
now i'm the groupie

but who reads whose blog now, bitches!

hm..i still read theirs.

oh boo.

i was in a bad mood when writing my impression of julia.
sorry julia
i agree with the comments: it sounds wrong.

i know she knows what i mean.
julia's personality is hard to describe.

julia's

julia thinks she's changed a lot, but i don't think so. you can't really change who you are. it's all different facets of a person.

the first time i saw julia, she was sitting in the far front corner of mrs.major's grade 9 religion class. everything about her was really long, and she had glasses. she was writing something on her desk, while staying as far away from her hand as possible, making her look like she was reclining in her un-reclinable hard plastic chair.

since it was the first day of high school, everyone in the class was trying to mingle while not looking like they were trying at all. my stomach was fluttering, since it was either only the first or second class of my high school career. julia didn't look happy, but it would look kind of wierd if she were grinning to herself while writing in her book. maybe not. but either way...

i sat somewhere near to her. but not close enough to start talking with her right away. i didn't want to mingle either. she didn't look up very often, but when she did, she seemed disgusted with everything she saw. i don't really blame her, that class was pretty...hm.
she looked like how i felt: disappointed and trying to forget all the high expectations i had for my big first day. i didn't consciously think of all this, so i didn't feel like we had an instant bond or anything memorable like that. she was just another girl who, at that point in the day, i was too tired and saturnine to make friends with. i'm sure she felt the same way towards me.

that was my first impression of julia, by definition.

but in the next few weeks, i remember that when called upon to answer a homework question out loud, our classmates, who often didn't do the work, resulting in at least 5 minutes of wasted lifetime as mrs.major and the delinquint argued over whether or not "i just didn't" was a valid homework excuse, julia would sink down even lower in her chair, write more violently into her book, and mutter something about "well i did my homework, why couldn't you stupid fucks do yours" or something like that. i remember trying to make a sound in agreement, or laugh, or do something, but i was a little too confused and surprised. plus, i hadn't done my homework.

so that there is a description of my first interaction with julia.

i don't remember if julia was involved with pat at the same time she was beginning a friendship with steve, or which happened before the other, but i remember while one of those was happening, julia suddenly messaged me on msn.

la breeze - simian

it started out with her mentioning that she just noticed (or was she talking to someone, and they just noticed) that i was one of the people she's never talked to in our grade. i remember being slightly annoyed, thinking, "so she just wants to talk to me so she can say she's talked to everyone in her grade?"
but soon i just became creeped out when julia and i would keep saying the same things at the same time. the fact that she was pat's new friend made me think that it was even weirder. i'm not sure, but that was probably around the time when i was a little bitter about our whole "we're best friends" fiasco. the conversation ended after becoming more interesting and more pleasent.

then i went to science centre.
everyone back at home started hanging out with zach, julia, laurie and co. a lot more. somehow, it worked out that i was therefore their friend by association. and by the time i came home, i was good friends with laurie and julia, and not long after, i was joking about molesting zach, to zach.

that is it, i believe..

"burn down the disco / hang the blessed deejay"

it seems all modern books written on chinese subjects are sad.

i'm tired of thinking.

this book makes me want to vomit. but that's because it's effective.

it's so sad.

it's not about body counts or which war atrocity is worst.

my grandparents were only recently able to make themselves eat japanese food.

while discussing it, i got really mad.
one of the things that pisses me off the most is when people see things in black and white. they think they're wise, political, intelligent, informed, when all they manage to do is make themselves sound like ignorant, close-minded, blind jackasses.

i hated how the atrocities are seen by some people as being by "the japanese"
someone said something about how chinese have always been so meek, they have to stand up for themselves
someone said how the japan wasn't punished enough

that's not the point! i don't understand how people are so blind to the cycles.

jan said something about all the japanese wars being pretty tame compared to china's.
i.e. some war where japan kidnapped korean potters and forced them to give them some pottery secret.
...
mm.

people are people, nationality doesn't change human nature.

ah i feel sick again.

what's up in the world of steph? haven't heard from you in a while....

how's it going?

I don't know if you read the oscss message board regularily, but i think some people are going to try to get together again before school starts. end of august. when are you leaving for bc? the 30? 31? we must get together to retrieve our respective objects from the charming abode of one michael w. peddle. and plus just to hang out, old-school before we go off to school and change. then we have to get back together and discuss how much/how little we/everyone/everything has changed.

world of steph is okay. flying and music and driving is good. i'm getting along with both mom and dad. they're even going to meet next week. for business. dad's going to mom's office (and his ex-office) to pick up bills, then he's either going to pay them off, or use lawyers to make my mom pay them off. andrew and i are going to be there to make sure no fight breaks out.

i've been having a weird feeling lately, and when i describe it to you, you'll probably agree that it's weird. it seems everything is going too smoothly, and i'm really suspicious. when things go well (at least, this well), they all crash as soon as i accept that everything's great. so it makes me antsy. Or else i'm feeling antsy because i'm not sure if i'll be able to get my g2 before the summer ends, and also because i'm not sure if i'll be able to get my flying license before school starts. and if i don't (talking about pilot's license) i doubt i'll get around to ever finishing it, and if i do, i'll have to wait until next summer anyways.

do you remember when we went out to bubble tea, and you used the words "rebuilding a relationship with your dad" and since then, i've been thinking, and i noticed that i feel a little uneasy about having a relationship with him. i noticed that he tends to take credit for a lot of parenting jobs he never carried through. e.g.: he likes to bring up how he took me to my first swim meet, and then goes through how it's a metaphor for my whole life; him being there for me. but the fact that that was the only swim meet he ever took me to, and well, the only swim-related event from the 8 years i did swimming that he took part in. and then there are the times he got mad at me at swim meets because i talked to my coach first after my event, instead of him.

so it seems a lot like by being with him, i'm cheating my mom out of all the credit she deserves. i sometimes catch myself forcing myself to be unhappy around him, as if that somehow balances things out.

i'm writing my music history exam tomorrow at 2:00pm to 5:00pm. so during those hours, you can look up and say "hey, steph is sitting in a big muggy room, trying to remember when handel died." and i'll sit in the muggy room, concentrating really really hard on somehow communicating with you telepathically, so you can tell me what year handel died.

i'd better check up on what year that is...

i still haven't been able to find chopin tickets for my teacher. but in case i don't, i've been doing some sneaky investigative work, by asking her what it is about chopin that she likes ("piano or because he's french?" <-- i dont' know why i said "because he's french") . normally, it would be a little abnormal for us to discuss things like that. she's been my music teacher since i was 5, and i guess that because of that, i somehow (and for some reason) slip into the personality i had when i was 5 whenever i'm around her. so i'm really quiet and shy and laugh nervously a lot. but somewhere during this summer, it seems the lessons feel different, as if we both realize that this is pretty much as far as my music is ever going to go, and i'm not going to see her every week, and for her, she's closing the book on half a lifetime of teaching music, as she taught my mom, all my brothers, and now that i'm nearly finished, these are the last few weeks she'll ever hear us play piano.

look at everything your two-line email brought out! all this email for you to read...

did i tell you i finally soloed? my flight instructor poured a bucket of water on me afterwards. that was a while ago, though. so i've been flying on my own a bit, and i almost died a few times. actually, i dont' know that for sure. i guess you can never be sure if you almost died, because there's too many possibilites. walking out your door could be considered "almost dying" because you could have slipped but forgot to let go of the door handle and because of that, as you fell down, you manage to slam the door on your neck, and snap your spine.

i wish i hadn't thought of that...

so tell me all that's going on in your life. have you finished fixing up the little garden in front of your house?

talk to you later

-steph

p.s. whoa i almost died!

i've lost my photo album i put together of the pictures from the united nations trip.

i really really really hope i didn't lend them to tara-lyn.

where are they?

i'm getting frantic.

they're just pictures, but they're all i have!

all i have..

all i....



also, i better get off my ass and sit down and write letters to all the people who need letters written to them.

did you catch that? i'm going to stand up, then sit down again. that's how it works, kids.

i also discovered all the sheet music i borrowed from marchand back when i was gung-ho about playing piano for school. i'm a horrible person and all that for not returning it.

poor marchie.

i call her marchie.

first time. and last, i promise.

i want to write a great piece of literary work that will bring the world together.
i'll settle for another cheese bun, and maybe some exercise in the coming days.

no nothin' tomorrow!

wait. i have an exam. i keep forgetting. i still have to study some. i think i'm too confident going into this one.

bye, luvahs.

ooh the malaysian tabloids would have a field day..

i have many cousins. one of them is named Gah-Wun. he lives in London (mm...England..) and is married to a girl. Her name is Zelena and her dad's family is a Malaysian royal family. So she is a malaysian princess. My cousin, Jah-Ying (the seattle one) told me that when Gah-Wun and Zelena visit, the first thing they want to do is shop at Cosco (Gah-Wun likes to buy Sonicare products there. "it's cheaper! it's made here! it's America, land of the big! let's buy three!") and eat KFC.

they have them in England, but they'll only go to them in America.

why? why, because my uncle won a noble prize, silly.

p.s. my uncle won a nobel prize.

my uncle won a nobel prize!

actually, he's my cousin's wife's twin sister's husband's uncle, but we're so unrelated we're practically related anyways.

his last name's Lee and he shared one with two other guys for Chemistry.
one of the guys (polanyi) looked really familiar...then i remembered how i saw his face every week since the birth of the biotech project. being u of t alumni, they're milking his name (And all other remotely successful and famous alumni) by attaching his face to lamp posts on campus.
or maybe it's because he looks like an older john de lancie.

a more depressingly common fact:
i had three full days to study music history exam (this week) and flight, but of course, i left it until the last 3 hours of the weekend.